Occasionally we all observe some event that seems to epitomize some aspect of the Human experience. This week, the middle school play ground was the backdrop for one such observation. The protagonists were Victor and Jasmine, two popular eighth graders. Victor had been sad in class all day because Jasmine broke up with him. One of his friends had told him so. In the staff room, one of the other teachers told me that Jasmine had been sad all morning because one of her friends had told one of Victor’s friends that Jasmine was breaking up with him, but she hadn’t wanted to break up, but now she didn’t know what to do because Victor had already heard. Soon after the bell rang for recess, two circles formed on the blacktop: one around Victor and one around Jasmine. Victor and Jasmine never spoke to each other, and attempted to hide from each others darting glances. Occasionally one of the groups would send a student or two to parlay with the other side.
I don’t know what ended up happening, but I had to chuckle at the way Victor and Jasmine allowed their relationship to be brokered and influenced by their friends. In fact, their relationship became a public discussion and negotiation, in which everyone and anyone was an accepted counselor and negotiator, everyone, that is, except Victor and Jasmine.
While this example of a brokered relationship is perhaps an extreme, we aren’t so far removed from the days of a paid Yenta or Hitch nor from playground negotiating circles as we might care to believe. I spoke at some length about the merits of brokered relationships with a friend who vehemently defended the practice as both valid and nearly necessary… her arguments weren’t groundless either as she has had brokered lifelong relationships for several siblings and friends. I can’t help but wonder why in this most important matter of personal relationships we hand the reins, at least partially, to others thereby allowing them to make, or to help make our decisions?
Why do we ask others to do the finding out for us – by that I mean we ask “do you think that she likes me?” “Do you think that he was just being nice to me, or was he flirting?” etc, etc, etc. Answer: because we feel unsure, insecure, afraid, and awkward to actually find out from the horse’s mouth. I even think that some people enjoy the actual discussion and the late night scheming with roommates, and friends more than they actually want to know the answer to these questions.
Even worse is the public evaluation. Why ought we to allow a large group to have their voice heard on whether or not I should be with so and so. The public isn’t choosing whether or not to be with so and so, I am; as such, the responsibility for that decision falls on me and not on tangentially involved third parties.
I don’t honestly think that my rant will change anything, but I wonder what a world would be like in which our insecurity and awkwardness didn’t prevent us from being transparent. Sinclair Lewis’ Babbit is a marvelous exposition of the risks we run as a society when we lack transparency… perhaps I should read it with my middle schoolers, and perhaps as a society we would benefit from his 90 year old advise!
I don’t know what ended up happening, but I had to chuckle at the way Victor and Jasmine allowed their relationship to be brokered and influenced by their friends. In fact, their relationship became a public discussion and negotiation, in which everyone and anyone was an accepted counselor and negotiator, everyone, that is, except Victor and Jasmine.
While this example of a brokered relationship is perhaps an extreme, we aren’t so far removed from the days of a paid Yenta or Hitch nor from playground negotiating circles as we might care to believe. I spoke at some length about the merits of brokered relationships with a friend who vehemently defended the practice as both valid and nearly necessary… her arguments weren’t groundless either as she has had brokered lifelong relationships for several siblings and friends. I can’t help but wonder why in this most important matter of personal relationships we hand the reins, at least partially, to others thereby allowing them to make, or to help make our decisions?
Why do we ask others to do the finding out for us – by that I mean we ask “do you think that she likes me?” “Do you think that he was just being nice to me, or was he flirting?” etc, etc, etc. Answer: because we feel unsure, insecure, afraid, and awkward to actually find out from the horse’s mouth. I even think that some people enjoy the actual discussion and the late night scheming with roommates, and friends more than they actually want to know the answer to these questions.
Even worse is the public evaluation. Why ought we to allow a large group to have their voice heard on whether or not I should be with so and so. The public isn’t choosing whether or not to be with so and so, I am; as such, the responsibility for that decision falls on me and not on tangentially involved third parties.
I don’t honestly think that my rant will change anything, but I wonder what a world would be like in which our insecurity and awkwardness didn’t prevent us from being transparent. Sinclair Lewis’ Babbit is a marvelous exposition of the risks we run as a society when we lack transparency… perhaps I should read it with my middle schoolers, and perhaps as a society we would benefit from his 90 year old advise!
